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Posted by Bear on May 2, 2005, 3:55 am
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People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared
at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for
the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get
away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except
for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming
oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said.
"Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't."
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?"
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even
tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for
all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?"
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you
afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
*********************************************************
"I love criticism just so long as it's unqualified praise." - Noel
Coward
********************************************************
Phone won't stop ringing? Here's what you do...
Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tennesse, had a serious telephone problem.
But unlike most people she did something about it.
The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had
acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.
From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for
her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she
had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.
Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change
its stationery.
The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and
just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a
day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears,
Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.
At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the
motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leola said, "No
problem. How many nights?"
A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with
two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite
on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said
that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No,
that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."
The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an
electric appliance manufacturers convention for Memorial Day weekend,
a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World
War II.
She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could
watch Days Of Our Lives, but her biggest challenge came in the
afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's
wedding in June.
Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she
would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care
of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the
floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up.
Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking,
but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."
Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.
People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen
parties and were all told there were no such events.
Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the
motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from
Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."
Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone
number."
**********************************************************
Man: "Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue
jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?"
Bystander: "It's a girl; she's my daughter."
Man: "Oh, please forgive me sir. I had no idea you were her father!"
Bystander: "I'm not. I'm her mother."
***********************************************************
"Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another."
- Ambrose Bierce
***********************************************************
Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical'
for her birthday.
"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy
was delighted.
"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank,
"so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your
former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'
***********************************************************
Natural Laws ...
"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
"The Law of Self Sacrifice"
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.
"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on.
That person must be fired.
"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.
"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.
"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.
"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.
"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
"Berg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then
the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed
civilization.
**********************************************************
Harry came into the office an hour late for the third time in a week.
"What's the story this time, Harry?" his boss asked sarcastically.
"Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Harry sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, boss. The wife
decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but
then the draw bridge got stuck. I swam across the river--see, my
suit's still damp--ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Trump's
helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried
here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Harry," said the boss. "No woman
can get ready in ten minutes!"
**********************************************************
While I was serving as a chief master sergeant at Barksdale Air Force
Base in Bossier City, La., my son and namesake was also serving there.
His two month old son, whose name was the same as ours, was receiving
medical treatments at the base hospital.
I went on sick call one morning, and as the doctor reviewed my file,
he looked at me in disbelief. "Are you Curtis E. Chaffin?" he asked.
When I answered yes, he told me, "It says here that you turn blue when
you cry."
***********************************************************
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn
from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent
disinclination to do so." - Douglas Adams
***********************************************************
How to clean the toilet:
1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and put
both lids up.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both
lids. (You may need to stand on the lid.) The cat will self agitate
and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the
toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)
4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a
"power-wash" and "rinse".)
5. Have someone open the door to the outside (Be sure that there are
no people between the toilet and the outside door.)
6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both
lids.
7. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside
where he will dry himself off. The toilet will be sparkling clean!
Sincerely, The Dog
***********************************************************
During the course of being interviewed by the press, the noted doctor
was asked by a reporter: "Doctor, did you ever make a serious
mistake?"
"Yes, was the reply, "I once cured a millionaire in three visits!"
***********************************************************
A visitor from Buffalo was strolling along the California surf one
morning. During his walk he came upon a fellow, fishing pole clutched
in his hands, sound asleep against the side of a huge coastal rock.
Just then the pole began to jerk violently. "Hey, there!" cried the
visitor as he roused the fisherman. "Look out there! You have a
bite."
"So I do," yawned the drowsy one glancing out at the water. "If you
don't mind, will you pull in the line for me?" The visitor, somewhat
surprised, did as he was requested.
"Now, mister," continued the fisherman, "put some fresh bait on the
hook and cast the line out for me." Again the visitor complied.
After doing so he turned to the lazy angler. "You know," he declared,
"anyone as lazy as you ought to get married and have a son to do these
things for him."
"That's a good idea," beamed the fisherman. "Know where I could find
a pregnant woman?"
***********************************************************
A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire
alongside the highway, and pulled over to see whether he could help.
The man had a very red face, and a dark smear across it where he'd
wiped off sweat with dirty hands. His tie was undone and his shirt
collar askew, and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his
once-white shirt. Close to him stood an immaculately neat woman who
was speaking in quick, agitated tones.
"Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot of tires.
Maybe I can help here."
"You sure can," the man with the flat tire replied wearily. "My wife
is an expert, too. If you will just do all the arguing with her about
how this tire ought to be changed, I can concentrate on the dirty work
and get the job done."
**********************************************************
"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points
and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you
about both.
The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south
and a slaughterhouse a block north."
"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.
"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is
blowing."
**********************************************************
A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach
saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."
Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty. You have to put
something into it!" She then prepared a bowl of soup.
Later that day the pastor and his wife came over for dinner. The
pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have such a
terrible headache!"
The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that
any little child could give. Then she said, "That's because it's
empty. You have to put something into it!"
*********************************************************
An older, white haired man named Norm walked into a jewelry store one
Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and
showed it to him. Norm said, "I don't think you understand, I want
something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the
jeweler
said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by
check. " I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write
it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and
I'll
pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's
no
money in that account."
"I know", said Norm, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
***********************************************************
Noah & the Ark II
In the year 2004, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the
United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another
Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the
Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his
yard
.... but no ark.
"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a
building permit I've been arguing with the inspector about the need
for
a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the
neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding
the height limi! tations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board
for
a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be
posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead
obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I
argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing
of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting
local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!
When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights
group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their
will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and
it
was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.Then
the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an
environme ntal impact study on your proposed flood. I'm sti! ll trying
to
resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many
minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades
unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union
workers with Ark building experience. To make matters worse, the IRS
seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country
illegally
with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at
least ten years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to
destroy the world?".
"No," said the Lord "The government beat me to it.
***********************************************************
This woman decides to buy a new cupboard that you have to assemble
yourself. Back home she reads the instructions carefully and
assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really neat. Then, a
train passes and the whole cupboard collapses.
Thinking that she must have done something wrong she rereads the
instructions and reassembles the cupboard.
Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses again.
Now, fed up she calls customer service. She is told that this is
quite impossible and that they'll send along a technician to have a
look.
The technician arrives and assembles the cupboard. Then, a train
passes and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this
unexpected event, the technician decides to reassemble the cupboard
and get inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the
cupboard to collapse.
At this point, the woman's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and
says: "That's a nice looking cupboard", and opens it.
The technician says "You may find this hard to believe, but I'm just
standing here waiting for the next train."
************************************************************
"Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse." - Lily
Tomlin
************************************************************
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking
her
faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the
poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard
heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing
some
bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on
the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is
about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one
delicious ! leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look
of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!",
says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard So off he goes, but the old poodle sees
him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something
must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the
beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young
leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that
conniving
canine!" Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey
on his back
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the
dog ! sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't
seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old
poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to
bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story.. Don't mess with old farts... old age and
treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
Or was that, BS and brilliance only come with age and experience!
***********************************************************
When the minister picked up the phone, Special Agent Struzik from the
IRS was on the line.
"Hello, is this the minister?"
"Yes, this is."
"I'm calling to inquire about a member of your congregation, a Dr.
Shipe. Do you recognize the name?"
"Yes, he is a member of our congregation. How can I be of service?"
"Well, on last year's tax return, the doctor claimed that he made a
sizable tax-deductable contribution to your church. Is this true?"
"Well, I'll have to have our bookkeeper verify this information for
you. How much did Dr. Shipe say he contributed?"
"Twenty five thousand dollars," answered Agent Struzik.
"Can you tell me if that amount is true?"
There is a long pause. "I'll tell you what," replied the
minister.......
"Call back tomorrow. I'm sure it will be."
=============================================
Th, th, th, that's all folks
Bear
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